I am blogging first about me. The purpose of this is so that you can know where I’ve been and that I can relate to each and everyone here. The tough thing about anxiety is that no one understands. A person who has never experienced it, including psychiatrists, cannot possibly relate and understand what we experience on a daily basis. I suffered from the blackest of anxiety, negativity, and confusion, which even led to depression. I believed (and still do) that no one could possibly suffer worse anxiety than what I had. Too many perplexities came with my anxiety. There was the scratched record of negativity. No matter how hard I tried to think positively, a huge surge of negative thoughts flooded my mind whenever I would step foot outdoors. I was never able to overcome that mountain of negativity through an effort of positive thinking.
My anxiety was connected to my walk. While at home, my walk was naturally fine. When I stepped outside, the huge surge of negative thoughts flooded my mind telling me that I could not walk with grace, composure, and control. Particularly around peers my age and younger, I would lose control of my walk because of a surge of fear and dread that would take away my natural ability to control myself. My gait would be very awkward and uncoordinated. I suffered from this paradox: if I were to try to walk with grace before others, my negative mind would tell me that I am unworthy of that grace and am incapable. The negativity negated the effort of me trying to be successful. Even if I was doing somewhat well, I would notice some flaw in my reflection or how I felt I was carrying myself. The feeling would become magnified throughout the day, and eventually lead to a full blown panic attack to where I could not control my walk at all.
I feared that everyone was fixated on my walk, and that whenever I go out, I felt like I was on stage with all eyes were on me and I had to perform the perfect walk that I felt incapable of doing. I felt that if I could just walk perfectly, my life would be perfect because I would have no fear. But the effort of trying to do something that I felt incapable of was overwhelming. And if I try to advert my mind and not try to battle it, then like Peter, I would start off walking on the water, but then take my mind off Jesus and focus on the storm and start to sink.
Walking is supposed to be natural. It is something that even a child does with ease. I had a huge burden on myself because I knew everyone expected me to walk naturally. I had to impress everyone, and my way of getting by was to pretend that I could walk naturally well before them. My negative mind would always block the natural ability of my walk.
Oh how I wish I could have traded my anxiety for another’s anxiety. If I had a fear of elevators, I would just avoid elevators. If I had a fear of bridges, I just stay on the East side of Cleveland. But how can one avoid walking before others? How can one avoid being looked at? How can one avoid the self-mockery that inevitably would lead to mockery from others? My anxiety physically affected me where others saw the affects and mocked, creating more fear, anxiety and loss of control.
I noticed a pattern that would lead to my attacks. My mind would acquire an “attachment” to a particular person, or group of people: maybe an attractive girl, or a group of young peers. Then my mind would see the world from a third person perspective: their perspective. My mind would shift to their eyes looking at me “perform” as if I am no longer looking at life from just the first person perspective. My mind would latch on to the person behind me, or to the one that is looking at me. That latching on caused total dread that I could not shake. Soon as that “attachment” would leave, I would then feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I would feel more at peace and able to walk freer again until I run into the next attachment (a young person or peer). Attachments were habitually natural. If I were walking alone and felt just fine, then turned the corner and a young person would be there, I would literally twitch, and go into the mental attachment of that person and start walking awkwardly, uncontrollably until that person goes away.
I also noticed a strong negative impulse that physically pulsated the right side of my brain. After a difficult day, the portion of my brain would be pulsating really badly, and it became a migraine, which made concentration difficult and created a lot of depression. Sleep became my friend, though it would never satisfy my depression and negative impulse. Staying indoors at home was my repose, though I bashed myself for letting life outside those doors pass me by. Darkness was my companion. Death was my master. I was well acquainted with Humiliation. I could not understand how no matter how hard I tried, walking gracefully in public alluded me. I was at the bottom of the bottomless pit, where oftentimes I could not take a single step without a complete panic attack breakdown. I concluded a long time ago that healing for me was impossible. I resolved that I would die enslaved to this taskmaster of Death. For 19 years I suffered from this.
It is to this background that I stand before you today rejoicing, and testifying that I have been completely healed. God has not only set me free, but has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding, of which, I don’t understand it. The turnaround for me from Death to where I am now cannot be overstated. I can go all places, before all people, and do all things, with a graceful walk, and a clear, peaceful mind. Anxiety has fled far from me, and God’s love took its place. I will be blogging about the process and the knowledge that God gave me to fully overcome it. I guarantee you, and this cannot be overstated, that if God can heal ME, the worse of the worse, He can heal everyone here!!! There is absolutely no anxiety that cannot be completely healed with the power of God. Because of my hatred for this disease called anxiety that has wasted away 19 years of my life, I am not just satisfied with my own healing; I am determined to share what healed me so that I can help many people overcome their anxiety too. This works without fail, and so I call for your utmost attention to my blogs.
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